I don't want to talk

DISCLAIMER: Let me start by saying.. I have no sense of grammar, punctuation, paragraphs or anything of the sort. I write as I would speak. I make no apologies for this. So if you are a grammar nazi, I suggest you stop reading now.


 So.. How do you say to someone, "I just don't want to talk". It's not that I don't want to talk to them, it's just that I don't want to hold a conversation.. with ANYONE!

Here I am at 1am writing this because I can't sleep. Lack of sleep and I do not work. I can barely piece together words to form a sentence, yet someone wants to hold an entire conversation with me?! But why must I feel so guilty for this.

i am happy to send text messages. The vital information is said without the need for all the idle chat. I do not need to put on a happy voice, I do not need to smile, I do not need to pretend to laugh. When you phone and ask "how are you?", I don't want to tell you that I'm simply not coping, I want to hide in a hole and not come out for a while.. So I put on my happy voice a reply "good. How are you". This reply alone takes more effort than you will ever know.
I avoid talking to friends AND FAMILY, simply because I don't want to have to answer that little question.

 Want to know how I really feel?? I am TIRED. Really really tired. I drag my body out of bed each morning because I know that I have two little people depending on me to provide for their every need.
O how I wish to be able to sleep in. O how I wish I could have breakfast in bed. O how I wish I could pee with the door closed. O how I wish I could shower without having the door opened 10 times, having to mediate a fight or having to answer a million questions.
..O how I wish you could understand.

It becomes a very isolating world. My friends with kids think I'm a snob. Reality is, I just don't have the energy to hold it together while in your presence. I have no energy left. We as parents put such high standards on ourselves that we create expectations we can not live up to. I am the first to admit I am not a perfect parent, yet I still hold too much pride to let anyone see me as anything less than the "perfect parent", as this is what I always dreamed of being.
Then there are the friends who are childless... I am jealous that you go to work each day, you can go to the supermarket late at night if you are hungry, it takes you a quarter of the time it takes me to get ready to go anywhere, I am jealous of your freedom.
I sit at home while you all go out for dinner together every week. And while you do invite me and the girls to come too, you simply do not realise how impossible it is.
Dinner at 7 you say? I have a 2yr old who goes to bed at 7pm. Have one late night, it won't matter you say? By 5pm both kids are already starting to get scratchy, cranky, tired and irritable from the big day of learning and playing they have just had. 5.30pm they normally have dinner.. And you don't even order dinner til after 7pm? They will have you all convinced they are about to starve to death by that time.
You all go out to dinner to relax and enjoy your evening. Please tell me what is enjoyable about repeating "sit down, eat your dinner, stop it, leave your sister alone, get back here, I'm going to count to 3" all night long. I spend my evening stressing out over my two children while you all sit back and continue to enjoy yourselves. Quite honestly, while your invitation is a lovely thought, it is a million times easier for me to just stay home where I don't have to worry about them disturbing anyone.

I love my family and I love my friends both with and without children, I just hope I can help you to understand.

Love
Sarah xx